My Fear of Failure

It’s been a minute. The reality of the matter is that I have been lost in the everyday issues that a new sunrise presents. I’ve let myself succumb to the darkness of procrastination and my own thoughts. Classes and work had me stressed and I let myself get to a low point where I didn’t do my homework. I quit my job. My bank account has been in the negatives for two weeks. I’ve been in a negative state of mind. I’ve binged on food and starved myself. Sleep became my best friend and I ignored human interaction for fear of being judged.

Why can’t I look like her?

Why can’t I be as successful as them?

Why can’t I be as happy as them?

I sabotage my own success because of my fear of failing. I sabotage my own success because of my fear of failing. 

I woke up this morning and realized that in the last few weeks, despite not having a job, barely getting by in my classes, and constantly struggling with life in general, I have undoubtedly become better.

Self-love is something that I didn’t practice and something that I found nearly impossible to show towards myself. Little by little, without me ever really noticing, I’ve grown to like myself again.

I’ve changed my thought process. When I used to say I hate myself or I was trash, it would be in a humorous Twitter sort of way. I didn’t really realize that constantly telling myself negative things, even for the sake of a joke, would cause me to actually feel that way. That realization completely flew over my head. I’m not trash. I’m not perfect and I don’t have to be. I sometimes fall back into that mindset. I’ve learned to realize when it’s happening and I stop it. Positive thoughts create a positive life.

I’m patient with myself. I was used to being the A+ student in high school. I could handle 35 hours of work a week on top of extra-curricular activities and maintain a 4.0 GPA. College changed that. Four years later, I’m a senior and I can’t handle that kind of lifestyle. It freaked me out and caused me to see myself as a failure. Why couldn’t I do more? Be more? I overloaded myself with work that didn’t mean anything to me in order to look like someone successful. It drained me and didn’t help me grow in any way. The overworking came to crashing halt when I had a breakdown. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t get myself to care about anything. I had to change but, I’ve been in this spot before. I found temporary solutions. Something was different this time, though. I had something that I didn’t before. Knowledge. I knew that the temporary solutions I’ve run to in theist would only push back the inevitable. I had to face myself. I still face myself on the daily. I’m getting better by the day and I’ve learned to be patient with myself. I can’t jump back into the daily grind of my past life, but I can create a better life.

My goals have changed. Starting my freshman year of college, I was positive of the path my life was going to take. I would graduate Magna cum-laude and get accepted to an amazing law school. I would study international business law and be a kick-ass lawyer in New York City. Senior year me is laughing so hard right about now. In the last few years, I’ve encountered different people, places, things, and experiences. My life goals have changed drastically, but I was not allowing myself to accept the fact that I didn’t really want to go to law school. It didn’t hit me until three weeks ago. My grandfather called and asked how my LSAT studying was going and if I was prepared for the test on December 2. I haven’t been studying one bit, but I lied and told him that I have been. The test is this weekend. And here I am….not taking it. He doesn’t know. I didn’t even know until I wrote this down. My goals have changed and I didn’t allow myself to find a path to my new goals in fear of failure and in fear of doing the wrong thing. But who’s to say that I won’t be successful in this new path? I can only go as far as I’m willing to let myself go.

My life hasn’t been the prettiest, but it is beautiful in it’s own right. I didn’t realize that, but now that I have, I can get myself a strong foundation for my new life. My better life. I refuse to let myself settle for a life that looks good from the outside. I have to create a life that makes me proud and fulfills me. Despite the fear that I might fail.

-esteph

 

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